I received this email today from someone named Nora Silva, with "Nora wants to catch up" as the subject. I don't know any Nora Silvas, much less any Noras, but out of curiosity, I opened the email. Here's what I read, in its original form (i.e., no edits):
Hello, how are you? I'm about to tell you something that you absolutely need to hear. I will not beat around the bush, I will hurry up and get straight to the point. Less than 33% of females can achieve climax by having intercourse alone. That means that most women are left unsatisfied. You may believe that you rock her bedroom world but truth be told, you probably don't! It's OK though because we have a product you will love. [And then she had a link here, which I refuse to open.]
Nora
Whatever she's selling, I'm not buying. But as a wannabe writer, I would like to take this opportunity to critique Nora's writing, sentence by sentence.
1. Nora first asks me how I am doing. Very polite, that one, but it's obvious that she's just trying to be nice. She doesn't really care how I'm doing because she doesn't even know me, so instantly, she comes off as disingenuous. Lesson to take away: Be genuine when you write and when you speak.
2. Nora then tells me that she's about to tell me something very important. This is a useless and unnecessary sentence. Lesson to takeaway: Don't tell me you're about to tell me. Just tell me.
3. Nora then goes on to say she won't "beat around the bush," assuring me that she's going to get "straight to the point." Anyone else see the irony here? Lesson to takeaway: If you're wasting time saying that you'll get to the point, then you're wasting time saying that you'll get to the point. (Profound, I know.)
4. Nora then divulges a depressing statistic. That is all I will say about Nora's fourth sentence.
5. Nora's fifth sentence is absolutely useless and unnecessary as well, simply because it states what is now obvious to the reader. If fewer than 33% are left satisfied (as stated in the previous sentence), then clearly the remaining 67+% (which, by definition, constitutes "most") will be left unsatisfied. I'm offended that Nora feels the need to call my ability to do simple arithmetic into question. Lesson to take away: Nora sucks.
6. Lastly, Nora goes on to assume that I am a man attempting to rock a woman's bedroom world. Wrong on two counts, Nora! I am neither a man nor a lesbian. Lesson to take away: Shivnit is neither a man nor a lesbian.
7. Nora then goes on to assume that I am failing miserably in the sack and will find salvation by trying out her product. Lesson to take away: Don't be presumptuous like Nora. You'll never be able to sell anything and you'll make nice people cry.
Here's how I would've written it:
Hello. If you are a heterosexual and sexually-active male, then you must keep reading. Fewer than 33% of females can achieve climax through intercourse alone, so if you really want to rock her bedroom world, we have a product you will love. [Link here.] Good luck!
Nora
Ah, much better.
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2 comments:
you have a fatal assumpition in your analysis: that "Nora" is actually a female. there is a nontrivial chance that "Nora" is actually a pimply-faced 15 year-old boy from schenectady, which would explain pretty much every error in "Nora"'s writing. [of course, i don't mean to offend people from schenectady. i just pulled that one out of the air. it's possible that right now, in schenectady, there is a mid-teenage male with acne who is actually a good writer.]
btw, i really like your writing style. keep it up!
Very true. In all likelihood, I'm picking apart the work of a very bored, acne-afflicted adolescent. (Maybe there isn't a whole lot to do on the weekends in Schenectady? I've never been.) Since we don't know for sure, I think I'll go on telling myself that "Nora" is a grown woman for the sake of my pride!
Thanks for the comment and the compliment!
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